im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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