I will die if light touches me.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
