You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
