There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
