i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
