I'm sorry my penis didn't work
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
