I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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