i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize