peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Randomize
