seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
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I need you to use more vowels.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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