Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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