There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Enjoy the penises
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
