dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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