I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
