In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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