just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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