Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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