Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
