I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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