Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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