The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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