Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
