My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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