we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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