im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
