Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
