I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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