he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
