Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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