Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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