Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize