You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
