Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
