im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
