If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
