I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
