I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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