I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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