I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize