haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
