$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
