Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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