Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You took a bar mat shot.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
