Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
