Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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