What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
