in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
