i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
she smelled like a LAN party
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
