I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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