I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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