Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
