dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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