the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
