I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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