I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
nutella sex= disaster
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
