I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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