Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize