Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
