it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
