we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
