I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
