I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
