I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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