First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
