My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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