i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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