I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
