i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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