i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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